I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
