Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
