Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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