It's Friday. Sex?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
