genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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