I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
