Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We need to get me chipped asap
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
