I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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