Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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