She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
