i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
