she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
