I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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