My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
