If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my shit smells like andre
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
