I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
