i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
