I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
