I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
