You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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