I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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