remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
