every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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