theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
