I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
