I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
