The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i dont even know how to be here
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
