Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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