I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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