i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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