My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Damn victory sex feels great
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
false alarm, still single
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