Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
