That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
