finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
