Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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