dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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