Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
