My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
