k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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