I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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