"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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