I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
