I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
