textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
