I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
