I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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