he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
