saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she pinky promised me she was 18
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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