Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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