"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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