I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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